I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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