Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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