you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
