Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
