My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize