quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
