just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
