I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Randomize
