Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
