Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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