So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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