real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
