I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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