I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
