I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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