yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
