Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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