She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am available for nakedness
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
