Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
