just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
