just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
