There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
