They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
