I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
