you traded sex for a burrito?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
