I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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