I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
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I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
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i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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