i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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