I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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