Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We talked him into tasing himself.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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