Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
