Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i would punch a child for taco bell
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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