Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
