One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
