allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
