Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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