I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
