Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I will die if light touches me.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
