I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm really busy with my period
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