i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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