so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
