i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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