Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
