Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
