You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
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And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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