apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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