I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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