I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This baby is an asshole
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.