tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch