She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
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I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.