How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
