I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
