woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
