I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
