I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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