Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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